THE LOST ART OF RELATIONSHIP
When someone else gets a promotion at work…
When one of our closest relatives makes more money…
When someone else gets the job we wanted…
When someone else buys a 70-inch television, and now our 65-inch is not good enough…
When someone else has the affections of a person we desire to be with… In a word— jealousy. While this will not be a chapter teaching all about dog behavior, there is some value in trying to understand the concept of jealousy through the dogs’ example. The truth is that most of us have said the words “I’m jealous of…” at some point in our lives. We become jealous when we observe someone obtain, purchase, love, own, and enjoy an object, job, relationship, or whatever it is that we would like to have. Jealousy can be very ugly and is another big obstacle that we must overcome to have meaningful and long-last- ing relationships with others.
Jealousy focuses our attention on what we do not have and our perception of what someone else does have. It is very self-focused. We often see jealousy rear its ugly head in romantic relationships and it ends up tearing those relation- ships apart. A man or a woman becomes jealous of the object of their affection’s time or any other person (or thing) capturing their attention. The problem is that it usually has the adverse effect than intended, which is that the other person would notice the jealous behavior and do whatever is needed to appease it. But actually, the object of the jealousy feels so restricted that all they desire to do is break free. The jealousy response ultimately breaks down trust between couples if it is not dealt with.
However, I must add that signs of jealousy, when handled appropriately, can actually make a relationship stronger. Let me give you an example. I tend to work… a lot. When I work so many hours, I am not at home. Even when I am at home, I am not “at home” in my mind. My wife sometimes gets to the point where she will not-so-subtly remind me when I am not present. I have learned to recognize when she says certain things that she has healthy jealousy of my time spent away. Adjusting my work schedule and becoming more intentional about being at home and present with my family all but erases any feelings of jealousy creeping up in our relationship.
What causes jealousy? In a phrase: wanting for ourselves what we believe someone else has. In my wife’s case, her jealousy concerned more than just her— she wanted the time and attention I was spending on everything and everyone else to be spent on both her and the kids. A reasonable request that husbands and fathers would be well advised to mind.